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It's been a rough few days. So, for the first time in a long time, I figured I'd actually use my journal, rather than letting it fester.
I sit, right now, at my aunt's house, with my phone ringing every so often to inform me that my mother is texting me job openings in English that would make a person just beginning an ESL course burn with embarrassment. One is for a cleanup job in Pine Grove; for those who don't live in Pennsylvania, or don't know where I am in regards to Pine Grove, let's just say it's about a 15 minute drive. It's also where a lot of racist, idiot hicks live, if I remember correctly, but that's besides the point. I don't clean. I don't clean my own apartment, I'm certainly not going to take some random cleanup job that's probably only there because the entire county flooded last week. The other, apparently a customer service job that pays between 9 and 10 dollars an hour.
One wouldn't find my mother's concern over my unemployment to be an issue, I suppose. What parent wouldn't be concerned? I'm drowning myself in debt and I've not given myself a way out. And it's not a bad thing, really. Except her concern only showed up when I revealed my plans to her.
A few days ago, I was at my mum's house, and a friend mentioned to me that there was a site that listed jobs one could get, teaching English in Korea. I was excited, because this is something that I really, really want to do. I've been told by some people that I would be good at it. I'd like to think that I'm at least proficient with my native language, and that I have a little creativity that would be helpful in teaching possibly very young students. I excitedly told my mum about this website, thinking that she'd be happy that I had been given a way to maybe make one of my aspirations less of a dream and more of a reality.
She was not. Her immediate reaction was as follows:
Inspiring, isn't she? It was even better when I heard her later, calling me stupid and naive while on the phone with her friend.
Today, when I texted her to ask her how much I could get if I sold my car, she wanted to know why I was asking. I informed her that I wanted to get all my bills paid up to date, and then if there were money left over, enroll in a TEFL course, to at least take ONE step in a positive direction. She didn't respond when I told her what a TEFL certificate was for; instead, an hour later, she started sending job openings and phone numbers to my phone.
My mother belittled me, both to my face and to her friends. She put down my dreams and aspirations. When I informed her that, despite her dislike of what I wanted to do, I was considering taking steps in that direction, she immediately began to take steps to keep me rooted in place and unable to move forward. She wants me to stay here, in Schuylkill County, for the rest of my life. Doing things with my life that I do not want to do. She doesn't want me to take the chance of moving away to have a fulfilling career, because it would remove her from my immediate life. She questions my decisions and makes attempts to stomp them out. She has NEVER questioned any of my sisters or my brother in regards to their career decisions; one sister went to college to become a dental hygienist. The other isn't going to college, and instead is at a tech school for half her school year, learning how to be a hairdresser. God knows what my little brother wants to do. But the point is, she has never once questioned it.
I have never hated my mother more than I did that day. That probably makes me a horrible daughter. But I don't care. This is my life. I am going to do with it what I please. If I never jump, I never have the risk of falling, true. But I don't think I could live with myself if I never took that risk.
At least if I fall, there might be people who actually care about me, to help soften the landing. Internet friends or not.
I sit, right now, at my aunt's house, with my phone ringing every so often to inform me that my mother is texting me job openings in English that would make a person just beginning an ESL course burn with embarrassment. One is for a cleanup job in Pine Grove; for those who don't live in Pennsylvania, or don't know where I am in regards to Pine Grove, let's just say it's about a 15 minute drive. It's also where a lot of racist, idiot hicks live, if I remember correctly, but that's besides the point. I don't clean. I don't clean my own apartment, I'm certainly not going to take some random cleanup job that's probably only there because the entire county flooded last week. The other, apparently a customer service job that pays between 9 and 10 dollars an hour.
One wouldn't find my mother's concern over my unemployment to be an issue, I suppose. What parent wouldn't be concerned? I'm drowning myself in debt and I've not given myself a way out. And it's not a bad thing, really. Except her concern only showed up when I revealed my plans to her.
A few days ago, I was at my mum's house, and a friend mentioned to me that there was a site that listed jobs one could get, teaching English in Korea. I was excited, because this is something that I really, really want to do. I've been told by some people that I would be good at it. I'd like to think that I'm at least proficient with my native language, and that I have a little creativity that would be helpful in teaching possibly very young students. I excitedly told my mum about this website, thinking that she'd be happy that I had been given a way to maybe make one of my aspirations less of a dream and more of a reality.
She was not. Her immediate reaction was as follows:
"Why do you want to go to Korea to teach. What POSSIBLE reason could you have for wanting to go there? (notice she answered this question with her previous inquiry...) You come up with these stupid plans and yet you sit here, unemployed, not in school, not doing anything but talking to those online people all day... you care about them more than your family. If you go to Korea, we'll never hear from you again, you're just doing this to run away so you don't have to be part of this family. Why can't you just stay HERE, get your life together, go to college, and teach English HERE. Why do you need to go across the world to do it, where you will KNOW NOBODY, have no friends, and where you don't speak the language anyway!"
Inspiring, isn't she? It was even better when I heard her later, calling me stupid and naive while on the phone with her friend.
Today, when I texted her to ask her how much I could get if I sold my car, she wanted to know why I was asking. I informed her that I wanted to get all my bills paid up to date, and then if there were money left over, enroll in a TEFL course, to at least take ONE step in a positive direction. She didn't respond when I told her what a TEFL certificate was for; instead, an hour later, she started sending job openings and phone numbers to my phone.
My mother belittled me, both to my face and to her friends. She put down my dreams and aspirations. When I informed her that, despite her dislike of what I wanted to do, I was considering taking steps in that direction, she immediately began to take steps to keep me rooted in place and unable to move forward. She wants me to stay here, in Schuylkill County, for the rest of my life. Doing things with my life that I do not want to do. She doesn't want me to take the chance of moving away to have a fulfilling career, because it would remove her from my immediate life. She questions my decisions and makes attempts to stomp them out. She has NEVER questioned any of my sisters or my brother in regards to their career decisions; one sister went to college to become a dental hygienist. The other isn't going to college, and instead is at a tech school for half her school year, learning how to be a hairdresser. God knows what my little brother wants to do. But the point is, she has never once questioned it.
I have never hated my mother more than I did that day. That probably makes me a horrible daughter. But I don't care. This is my life. I am going to do with it what I please. If I never jump, I never have the risk of falling, true. But I don't think I could live with myself if I never took that risk.
At least if I fall, there might be people who actually care about me, to help soften the landing. Internet friends or not.